We all have struggles. We all have jealousies. The day I realized I was jealous of my husband change my life forever.
I have no problem being real. I don't mind talking about struggles in life. Some people try to portray that life is always good and their marriage is always sunny and perfect and their kids are always dressed amazing and they never act up and they are always satisfied every single day of their motherhood journey. But, let's be honest, that's not reality.
I would say, majority of my days I am super happy with life. But, we should never feel like we are failures when we have seasons of being down, or jealous, or exhausted, or depressed.
A while back, my husband and I were having a tough season in our marriage. It wasn't because of what either of us was doing or weren't doing, it just seemed like we weren't in sync with one another. I feel like it was mostly on my part we weren't in sync. I was over-evaluating things in our daily life and I was struggling with some of the roles in our life. And, it put a toll on our marriage.
We have 3 little ones. All very young. I stay home with them and my husband goes to work every day. I was getting frustrated with him for the smallest things and we weren't laughing as much together. We just couldn't seem to get on the same page with a lot of things and it was becoming a struggle.
Then, one day, while he was at work, I was folding laundry while the baby napped and the older ones were playing outside and it hit me.
I was jealous of my husband.
I was jealous of his life.
He goes to work every day and talks to adults. When he gets into his car to drive somewhere during his work day, he buckles himself and only himself and drives away. No other buckles to clip. If he goes out to lunch with someone for a meeting, he eats his meal in the quiet and has an adult conversation. He can sit in his office in silence for an hour without anyone interrupting his thoughts or needing him.
I am at home with 3 kids. School drop offs, cleaning all day, wiping bottoms, changing diapers, unending laundry, meals meals meals, someone is hurt, I haven't showered yet, and when I do I have a toddler staring at me and throwing a shampoo bottle at my feet.
I realized my outlook on my life and his life were very jaded. I WANT to stay home with my kids. I WANT to be able to volunteer at the school. I WANT to make the three meals a day and fold the miniature laundry. I WANT to play on the floor with my kids at 2 in the afternoon on a Wednesday and not be at an office with my kids in daycare. This is exactly what I WANT. Why in the world am I getting so jealous over what my husband has?
I don't want his job. I couldn't do his job. He has a lot more pressures at his job than mine. He misses out on the small things and big things these kiddos do during the day. I text him and send him photos and he will come home for lunch and play with them, but he is missing out. The meetings, the deadlines, the exhaustion he has that comes from his job is just as intense, or worse at times, than the pressures and exhaustion I have at home.
After this realization, I stood in front of the dryer with warm, clean clothes in my hand and prayed. Why am I thinking this way? Why in the world would I be jealous of my husband? We are a team. We are in this together. Everything we do and all the energy and effort we put into this marriage and relationship is for our family. It's for us. It's for them.
When he got home from work, we sat down and I told him what was going on. I was perfectly honest and came out saying, "I'm jealous of you. And, these are the reasons why." We talked for a long time about it. After saying the words out loud and how crazy they sounded it made me really look at my role in this marriage and household. Why would I be jealous of him? I have so many blessings every day in this home.
It helped to be honest and open with my husband about my insecurities and issues. To just come out and say it. It is something I obviously struggled with for some time and I needed to let it go. After the conversation, my husband realized some things on his part also. Helping more around the house when he gets home, being more supportive when I'm struggling. We also said, if any struggles or issues were to come about again, we would talk about them that day. Take care of the issue. Don't let it stew and build.
It's hard to face your flaws and to verbalize them and claim them. But, it was the biggest relief when I did. I was able to see things clearer and take on each day with more happiness and success.
The day I realized I was jealous of my husband was hard.
But, it made me a better person.
I could walk away from it. I claimed it. I threw it away. I moved on.
Don't get me wrong, there are still times when he comes home and tells me about his day and who he talked to and what meetings he had and I tell him about poop I cleaned up and the chaos in the house and I wish that I was able to be with adults a little more. Because, no one is perfect and we all struggle and sometimes want what the other has.
But, to really remember that we are a team in this and to remember the whole reason we are married in the first place, puts me back in reality. He is my best friend. Everything we have is ours. I love him. And, he is mine.
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