Keeping Our Marriage Thriving While Raising Little Ones

My husband and I have these fun weekend afternoon conversations. Usually when our youngest is napping, so we have some quieter time together. Today, we really sat down and talked about how we are different (Obviously, man and woman) and how we think differently (Task oriented vs. Emotional Oriented) and how we can use these to our advantage rather than our disadvantage.

I think everyone's goal in marriage is to have one that is thriving. And, I think the hardest part to go in that direction is to really evaluate yourself and recognize your own downfalls and weaknesses as well as your strengths.

My husband is a task oriented person. He told me that if he didn't have a wife or children, he would probably be the man working 80+ hour weeks, going going going, working working working. He obviously is opposite of that with a wife and three kids, ages 6 and younger. He tends to get caught up in the task that needs to be done and forgets that I am an emotional oriented person.

I nurture. I stay home with our kids while he goes to work. I give my kids 100% of myself all day, every day. When he walks through the door after work, the first thing I want is from him is to notice me as an adult woman. My goal by the end of the day, when the kids are bathed and tucked into bed is for at least 20 minutes of (Non-Sexual) attention. Cuddling, holding me, asking about my day and REALLY LISTENING, playing with my hair, giving me undivided attention for 20 minutes.

We've realized that my husband sees tasks he does around the house when he gets home as attention to me. Which, I am very thankful that he does the dishes or helps bathe the kids or tucks them into bed. But, those tasks aren't what I seriously need to really connect with him and keep our marriage thriving. I need him. I need him to notice me. I need him to give me attention. I have given every ounce of my energy and attention to three kids all day I need someone to take care of me for a few minutes.

The tricky thing with men, and let's all be adults here, is that a man will think holding, cuddling, and attention will instantly lead to sex. Which, that is a possibility. But, don't think 3 minutes cuddles can turn into a butt grab and then we are off to the races. Wives want to be heard. Wives want to be wanted. Wives want the non-sexual cuddles and conversations. Obviously, if I am being heard, and being loved, and given the small amount of attention I desire on a daily basis, this will most likely play out in my husbands favor. I am more 'in the mood' if I am given that love and affection and attention daily. Where I am cuddled without the constant sex jokes, and really asked about how I feel on a subject, or really listening to what happened in my day.

I guess I'm kind of rambling with all this.

But, I guess it comes down to this....

1. Wives- Your husband is goal/task oriented (Most likely). Communicate with him and let him know your wants and needs. Don't be rude about it or start an argument, but sit down and really say "I just need 20 minutes a day for you to really pay attention to me, without the idea that it will be going any farther, and just listen and converse and identify with me." Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Let him know that it's not going to be hours on end of talking, just a few minutes to know you are still number one in his life.

2. Husbands- Your wife is emotionally driven. She wants to be heard. She wants you to show her that she is still the number one girl in your life. That all the tasks you do during the day is for her and the kids. Listen to her. Hold her. Don't automatically  think it will lead to sex. But, know that if you cuddle her, show her you love her, and listen to her and make her feel wanted and loved.... You are more likely going to have a wife who is willing to give up some sleep for you and spend some good 'quality' time with you.

3. Keep talking. Identify your weaknesses in yourself and accept them. Don't argue about it. You are a team. Marriage with little ones is stressful and exhausting. The last thing you two need is to disagree on something more. Sit down and really communicate your needs and desires with one another and really work at satisfying those needs for your spouse.

Parenting will go much smoother when both parents are on the same page. Your kids will thrive when you are loving each other, showing affection to each other and really working as a team.

Marriage is work. Marriage is hard. Throw some kids in the mix and it's a blender without a lid. Know what your spouse needs and take care of it. Take the extra effort for them. If you are taking care of them 100% and they are taking care of you 100% then both are taken care of and you will have more energy to love on your babies!

I Understand God's Love Better Now That I'm A Parent

Growing up in church, we were taught about God's love from a young age. I heard it time and time again. But, once I became a parent and my kids began to grow and get older, it made more and more sense at His complex, unconditional, overwhelming love for me.

The moment that baby was placed on my chest, tears streamed down my face. I was filled with love for a child I had just set my eyes on. I had never met this little person but love overwhelmed me. I would do anything for this baby. I would die for this child. I would walk to the ends of the earth for this child. I lost sleep for a little human who couldn't even communicate with me. I held and rocked and sang to and loved on and snuggled this child without them even giving me a glimpse that they loved me back. The baby screamed and pooped and puked. I didn't have deep, meaningful conversations with this child, yet I loved them more than words can describe.

The same goes for God toward you. You may feel distant from God. There has been no communication, no relationship, no love on your part. But, just like you love your newborn baby, God loves you. He would do anything for you. He died for you. He walked the ends of the earth for you. He held you and rocked you and sang to you and loved you and comforted you without you even giving Him a glimpse that you loved Him back. God loves you where you are, no matter where that is. That feeling you get when you think of your child and you get the lump in your throat because you are so proud of them and you love them more than anything... God loves you more than that.

As time went on and my kids began to grow, they learned to walk. Those tiny timid steps. They would fall but I was right behind them to catch them. They fell and fell and fell but I was there the whole time. I didn't give my child one chance and then walk away from them. Oh, you didn't getting the walking thing figured out after the first try?? Too bad, I've given up on you. No. Of course not. That's not how parenting works. I sat with them and lovingly encouraged them over and over. You can do this. I am here with you. I will catch you. I will protect you. And, sure enough, after enough practice, they took those big, confident steps! And I cheered and picked them up and hugged them and we celebrated the big accomplishment.

Just as I encouraged my child and was right behind them ready to catch them when they fell, so is God. He is standing right behind you, cheering you on and when you fail or make a mistake He doesn't simply walk away. He is there to pick you up. He is there to wipe the dirt of your pants and the tears from your eyes and encourage you to try again. And again. And again. God never walks away or gives up on your because you fail. Never. Just like you would never walk away from your child.

The thing that stuck with me a lot as a parent is rules. I have rules for my children. Not to be a mean mom or to keep them from fully experiencing life, but to protect them. Don't run in the road, you will get hit. Don't touch the stove, you will get burned. Some rules are basic. But, there are some rules my kids think are over the top and don't understand. But, as a parent I know why I have these rules. It's to fully protect them. Protect them physically. Protect them emotionally. Protect them mentally. Protect the spiritually. Our home is not a crazy strict home by any means. We have lots of fun. I feed my kids ice cream in the bathtub. They play hockey in the house. But, there are rules that I have to protect those precious babies. What if they break a rule? I love them still. We work out a solution together. But, I will never leave them or not love them for making mistakes. There are always consequences for the choices you make here on earth. You lie to someone, they won't trust you anymore. You steal candy from the store, you will take money back and apologize to the owner. There will be consequences, but my love for my child will never change by the choices they make.

The same goes for God. He has rules for us. Not to make us lead boring lives. We aren't supposed to walk around like zombies not smiling or having a good time. But, these rules are to protect us. He loves us so very much, He would do anything to protect you and keep you safe. Life can be so full of wonderful things as a Christian. Some people think if you are a Christian you are boring. So not true. You can have so much fun. God just wants you to be safe, just like you strive for the safety of your own children. Just like your love for your child not changing with the mistakes they make, the same goes for our Father in Heaven. There will obviously always be consequences here on earth. You break the law, you will pay a fine or go to jail. Hopefully, you wouldn't make the same mistake again. Just like you would forgive and love your child with the mistakes they made, so does God. He forgives you and loves you for every mistake you make. He loved you so much He sent Jesus to die on the cross for you. YOU! Your sins are paid for. Your past mistakes are washed clean. Your life is white as snow. For me, the best way to thank God and honor Him for all He has done, is to follow Him. I try to follow the commands He has given. If He loves me enough to die for me, it makes it such an easy decision for me on how to live my life.


The best part of my children growing if the times when I get to really connect with them. Our relationship grows through regular conversations. They tell me their fears, likes, dislikes, worries. I help them when they come to me and talk with me. Our communication is key in our relationship as time goes on. I get to know them on a deep, personal level. I am talking to my kids all the time from the time they are infants. I want to know them. I want to understand them. I want to connect with them. And, when we communicate and learn and talk with each other, our relationship grows immensely.

God wants to connect with you. He wants to be in communication with you. He wants a relationship with you. Just like you want with your child. He wants to connect with you on a deep, personal level. He wants regular conversations with you. He wants to hear your fears, likes, dislikes, worries. He wants to hear your prayers and praises. Communicate with God. Pray. Get to know Him better. Open that bible. Connect with God. He wants a full relationship with you. Just like you want with your child.

Having children has changed the way I look at God. If I love MY children as much as I do, I can't even comprehend the love He has for me. It's overwhelming to think about. Sometimes I can't understand God's love. But, He loves us. He loves you. He wants the best for you. He holds you and comforts you and is walking with you every step of the way to protect you. He wants you to live a full and wonderful life. Not just on earth, but with Him for eternity.

You are amazing.
You are loved.
Don't ever think less of yourself.
You are a child of God.

I'm Tired Of Multitasking...

Heck, sleeping has become a multitask all in itself.

I wake up in the morning with a little face staring down at me as my alarm clock goes off. I turn the alarm off and my multitasking day starts.

There is no yawning and stretching. Staring blankly out the window figuring out what the schedule for the day is and getting ready for the day in silence and peace while sipping my hot cup of coffee along the way.

No, that was before children.

My day starts with getting the older kids up for school. There is breakfast prep, lunches to pack, kids to get dressed, shoes to tie, backpacks to fill, questions to answer, teeth to brush, hair to brush, throw my hair in a pony tail and out the door to school drop off and preschool drop off.

I put the one year old in her high chair and wheel it into the bathroom doorway so she can eat her breakfast while I shower quickly. I get dressed while convincing her to sit on her bottom and eat. I brush my teeth with a kid between my legs or pulling her away from the bathroom trash can while she pulls who knows what out of it.

I start a load of laundry before cleaning, knowing it will wash while I vacuum the floors. I am answering questions from my 4 year old while grabbing a pen from a toddler running away from me and screaming in delight from her discovery. I make meals while holding a child or having one cling to my leg.

I am folding laundry while the hamburger is frying in the pan and I have a little one yelling from the bathroom that he needs his bottom wiped. I have the door bell ringing while I'm changing a poopy diaper and the dog is chasing the kids around and someone stole someone's toy.

I am answering  my 6 year old's questions, while talking on the phone and my youngest holding her sippy cup up to me wanting it filled with more milk. I try to have adult conversations with someone at the store while I am wiping a nose and having to tie a shoe and fix an argument.

I deal with bath time and scrubbing hair while chasing a naked kid through the house carrying a wet bath toy and wiping up the floor by shimmying my feet back to the bath tub to get the rest of the kids out of the tub.

I go to sleep after everyone is asleep and I am rubbing my one year old's back while drifting off myself in a weird position in bed only to wake up 45 minutes later because someone had a nightmare or the baby needs her binkie or someone is thirsty. I am up multiple times a night, never getting a full night of sleep.

I was walking through the store the other day and saw those adult coloring books. I honestly thought to myself that it would be a fun thing to have... for half a second... Then I thought about when I would even have time to sit for 15 minutes to do something like that. Or to even have colored pencils without someone ruining them.

Yes, I'm complaining. Yes, I want all these kids. Yes, some people would love to have kids and can't. Yes, I know, "It will get better." "Things will be different someday". I've heard it all... But, today is not that day. I'm so tired of multitasking. I'm so tired of having my plate so full. Sometimes I just want 15 minutes of silence.

Silence.

No questions. No noise.

Complete silence.

I would love to be able to think again. Read a book quietly. Enjoy a full 30 minute TV show without interruptions. Have a conversation with my husband without someone needing something. Just a few minutes to myself.

I'm so tired of multitasking. Constantly having to think about doing 15 things at once.

I'm exhausted.



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The Day I Realized I Was Jealous Of My Husband

.... It's not what you think....

We all have struggles. We all have jealousies. The day I realized I was jealous of my husband change my life forever.

I have no problem being real. I don't mind talking about struggles in life. Some people try to portray that life is always good and their marriage is always sunny and perfect and their kids are always dressed amazing and they never act up and they are always satisfied every single day of their motherhood journey. But, let's be honest, that's not reality.

I would say, majority of my days I am super happy with life. But, we should never feel like we are failures when we have seasons of being down, or jealous, or exhausted, or depressed.

A while back, my husband and I were having a tough season in our marriage. It wasn't because of what either of us was doing or weren't doing, it just seemed like we weren't in sync with one another. I feel like it was mostly on my part we weren't in sync. I was over-evaluating things in our daily life and I was struggling with some of the roles in our life. And, it put a toll on our marriage.

We have 3 little ones. All very young. I stay home with them and my husband goes to work every day. I was getting frustrated with him for the smallest things and we weren't laughing as much together. We just couldn't seem to get on the same page with a lot of things and it was becoming a struggle.

Then, one day, while he was at work, I was folding laundry while the baby napped and the older ones were playing outside and it hit me.

I was jealous of my husband.

I was jealous of his life.

He goes to work every day and talks to adults. When he gets into his car to drive somewhere during his work day, he buckles himself and only himself and drives away. No other buckles to clip. If he goes out to lunch with someone for a meeting, he eats his meal in the quiet and has an adult conversation. He can sit in his office in silence for an hour without anyone interrupting his thoughts or needing him.

I am at home with 3 kids. School drop offs, cleaning all day, wiping bottoms, changing diapers, unending laundry, meals meals meals, someone is hurt, I haven't showered yet, and when I do I have a toddler staring at me and throwing a shampoo bottle at my feet.

I realized my outlook on my life and his life were very jaded. I WANT to stay home with my kids. I WANT to be able to volunteer at the school. I WANT to make the three meals a day and fold the miniature laundry. I WANT to play on the floor with my kids at 2 in the afternoon on a Wednesday and not be at an office with my kids in daycare. This is exactly what I WANT. Why in the world am I getting so jealous over what my husband has?

I don't want his job. I couldn't do his job. He has a lot more pressures at his job than mine. He misses out on the small things and big things these kiddos do during the day. I text him and send him photos and he will come home for lunch and play with them, but he is missing out. The meetings, the deadlines, the exhaustion he has that comes from his job is just as intense, or worse at times, than the pressures and exhaustion I have at home.

After this realization, I stood in front of the dryer with warm, clean clothes in my hand and prayed. Why am I thinking this way? Why in the world would I be jealous of my husband? We are a team. We are in this together. Everything we do and all the energy and effort we put into this marriage and relationship is for our family. It's for us. It's for them.

When he got home from work, we sat down and I told him what was going on. I was perfectly honest and came out saying, "I'm jealous of you. And, these are the reasons why." We talked for a long time about it. After saying the words out loud and how crazy they sounded it made me really look at my role in this marriage and household. Why would I be jealous of him? I have so many blessings every day in this home.

It helped to be honest and open with my husband about my insecurities and issues. To just come out and say it. It is something I obviously struggled with for some time and I needed to let it go. After the conversation, my husband realized some things on his part also. Helping more around the house when he gets home, being more supportive when I'm struggling. We also said, if any struggles or issues were to come about again, we would talk about them that day. Take care of the issue. Don't let it stew and build.

It's hard to face your flaws and to verbalize them and claim them. But, it was the biggest relief when I did. I was able to see things clearer and take on each day with more happiness and success.

The day I realized I was jealous of my husband was hard.

But, it made me a better person.

I could walk away from it. I claimed it. I threw it away. I moved on.

Don't get me wrong, there are still times when he comes home and tells me about his day and who he talked to and what meetings he had and I tell him about poop I cleaned up and the chaos in the house and I wish that I was able to be with adults a little more. Because, no one is perfect and we all struggle and sometimes want what the other has.

But, to really remember that we are a team in this and to remember the whole reason we are married in the first place, puts me back in reality. He is my best friend. Everything we have is ours. I love him. And, he is mine.

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Why I Am Anti- Peppa Pig

Our home has watched a fair share of cartoons. Some of them annoy me, some of them are okay, and some are great and I can actually sit and watch with my kids and halfway enjoy it. But, there is one show that is not allowed in our home.

Peppa Pig.

Caillou may whine. Max and Ruby may not have parents present. Paw Patrol may have the same annoying issue with the mayor. But, can Peppa Pig and her family STOP SHAMING the dad all the time?

If I hear that pig say, “Daddy’s Big Fat Belly” one more time I’m going to scream. At first, I thought it was just a little obnoxious. Obviously, they are pigs. Pigs are fat.  But, then my kids said it to my husband. We corrected them once that we don’t talk like that, but they watched the show again. They said it again. Then, they started making rude comments that Peppa and the mom say to the dad on the show, to my husband. Seriously!? We are teaching kids to speak like that to their fathers?!

What happened to children’s programming that teaches children respect? How to speak nicely to one another? Not talking about how dumb or fat someone is?!

Enough already, Peppa Pig. We are OVER IT!

Now, back to some Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood. At least that show has some common sense lessons. 

Organize Your Entry Closet In 10 Minutes!

Does your entryway closet get completely overran with shoes and coats? Organize it in less than 10 minutes.

Our closet by our front door always has mountains of shoes, some coats thrown in there, flip flops from 2 seasons ago, soccer cleats that haven't been worn in months... And, I get so frustrated kicking them in to shut the door.

Here is a way to get that entryway closet clean and organized in less than 10 minutes.

1. Take ALL shoes and coats out of the closet
2. Organize the shoes. A) Shoes that need to be thrown away. Have flip flops from last summer that will never be worn again? Or shoes with a hole in them? Toss them! B) Shoes to donate. With growing kids our closet gets overwhelmed with shoes that don't fit, but are still in pretty good condition. My husband and I have shoes we just don't wear anymore, but are still wearable. Get a box and donate those! C) Out-of-season shoes. There is no reason why we should kick around sandals in the winter and rain boots in the summer. Put out-of-season shoes in bedroom closets and get them out of the way. D) Shoes worn regularly. KEEP THESE in the closet. The easiest way for my family to keep track of shoes in a durable canvas basket since my kids toss them in there anyway. It's just somewhere to aim.
3. Organize coats. Again, just like the shoes. Toss, Donate, Out-of-season and regular wear. Get those coats on hangers and organized.
4. Sweep and mop floor. So.... Much.... Dirt! Get that room clean!
5. Put the shoes in the basket and neatly in the closet.
6. TA-DA!

Super easy. Get everything organized for less stress when having to leave somewhere so no one is yelling that they can't find shoes or they have to throw every shoe out of the closet to find what they are looking for. Organized closet. Less stress for mom!


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Are You A Priority?

I was recently talking to my husband about priorities in life. Priorities in our personal lives, people who are a priority in our lives, and if we are a priority in other people's lives. And, we realized it came down to mostly one thing.

Time.

If you make time for it, it means something to you. It's a priority.

Of course, for most of us, the first thing that comes to mind is our daily life. Things that we prioritize daily. We don't have time to exercise, but we will sit for 2 hours in the evening and watch Netflix. (Guilty.) I will complain that I need to work out but follow the statement with, "I just don't have time." But, I can move things around my schedule to go out to eat for lunch or watch a movie in the evening.

I'm really evaluating what my priorities in my life are and why. Why am I putting so much effort in certain parts of my life and giving less attention to other parts? Habit? Comfort? Effort? Energy? Why do I make cleaning a certain part of the house a huge priority, but neglect something way more important, like going grocery shopping? I sometimes put my time and effort into a useless task and then I realize I have wasted hours of my day on one task when I could have prioritized better and gotten way more work done and felt more accomplished, and probably slept better that night.

During this same conversation with my husband, we also talked about people in our lives that are a priority. Obviously, my husband and kids are my priority. But, there are other relationships in our lives that we find as a priority. We put so much effort to keep these relationships alive and healthy. This could be friendships, relationships with family, work relationships, etc.

Have you ever felt you are putting more effort into a relationship than the other person? That they are a priority in your life, but you aren't in theirs? It's seriously a  hard pill to swallow.

If you are a priority in someone's life, they won't fit you into their schedule when it's convenient, they will move their schedule around to keep the relationship alive. If you are a priority in someone's life, they will visit you whenever they can, not constantly make you feel guilty for not visiting. All the while, not changing their lives at all to make you a priority.

There are times in life when you have to let go of these relationships. I heard the analogy of a bad, achy tooth. Once the tooth is pulled out, you run your tongue over the empty space where it once was, missing it, but once it starts healing you realize how much pain it was causing you. You will always miss it, and remember it daily, but every day you life will be easier without the toothache. Same goes for these relationships. All the effort you are putting into a relationship that is, more or less, causing you pain, is hard to separate from. But, after a while you will look back and realize how toxic this relationship was and how much hardship it was causing in your daily life.

Remember to keep others, who are important to you, a priority in your life. How much effort does it take for a 10 minute phone call or a short text saying you are thinking about them? But, also remember to evaluate those relationships in your life that seem to be way too much work. Figure out why? Is it an easy fix? Are you just not a priority in their lives? Do you need to quietly step away from the relationship and free yourself from the pain it's causing?

If it's a priority, there will be time.

If you are a priority, they will make time.

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